The Need for Better Representation in Fiction

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

hernameisgabe:

rainbowamory:

When it comes to subjects or themes that have social stigma attached to them, it is rare to see them explored in fiction with neutrality. Have you ever watched a film or tv show in which love between cousins is referred to as something distasteful? Something that only unsophisticated, backwards…

This is why I’m writing my book and running this blog.  🙂

That’s awesome! I didn’t get a chance yet to properly check out your project and blog but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do, and will do! I’m working on a story with trans themes myself. And someday I plan to write a series with a main character that is in a relationship with his first cousin from the age of 15 and up. Someone told me incest is a touchy topic but changing that detail about my character’s life is like saying there’s something wrong with it, which I will never ever do, no matter what, especially not to appease the most ignorant groups of people in society. My favourite genre is fantasy/adventure. I’ve always wanted to talk to other people who are working on or planning to write fiction that challenges social stigmas around relationship diversity (nice term by the way! the first time I saw it was on your blog). So good for you and keep doing what you’re doing! 🙂

The Need for Better Representation in Fiction

Down The Line – an Interview with a Descendant of Consanguineous marriage

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

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Intro: I am posting here the results of an interview I conducted by e-mail with someone who is a descendent of cousin marriage. This is for the benefit of those who might find this information helpful in seeing what kind of factors they may need to consider if/when deciding to make a family of their own.

Any opinions or facts expressed here should be taken as the experience of one individual. The opinions of others with similar family lineages may vary based on where they grew up, cultural background, family dynamics, personal world-view, and the varying levels of stigma they may be exposed to. It should also be noted that the genetics risks for a single generation cousin marriage differs from the risks in families with several intermarriages in them. Social conditions are important to consider when making a family, but incorporating genetic counseling into any decision-making process is the best way to have a more complete idea of what you can expect in the future.

INTERVIEW:

1. To begin with, what is your age? Gender? And sexual orientation?

Between 49 and 60, male, straight. 

2. Which couple in your direct lineage is related by blood to their spouse? If there is more than one, which couples are related by blood? To what degree are they related? (e.g. first cousins, second cousins, etc)

My grandparents were 1st cousins once removed. My grandfather used to joke about their relationship when my cousins and I were growing up. He used to say that my grandmother was more Smith (not our actual surname) than he was, because both her grandfathers were Smiths, while only one of his grandfathers was a Smith. It’s possible they were also related another way, but my research into our family ‘tree’ isn’t very far along. I frequently joke with my cousins and other friends and family that our family tree is more like a family ‘wreath’. 🙂

3. How old were you when you first found out about the intermarriage or intermarriages? How did you find out? (e.g. did someone tell you directly or did you figure it out by accident?)

I was a child, but I didn’t really understand the significance until I was an adult. It was not a secret, everyone in the family knew. It wasn’t just my family, most of the other families in the area had intermarried as well due to the smallness of the gene pool. In fact, everyone in that area is interrelated. For example, one cousin (I’ll call her ‘Janet’) is my 1st cousin once removed through her father (i.e. she and my father are first cousins), and she’s my 5th cousin through her mother. I’m not sure if that’s the correct terminology for that relationship by the way. Her grandmother and I, we’re third cousins, if that helps. See? It gets confusing!

4. What was your initial reaction? Has that reaction changed over time or has it stayed the same?

Surprise was my initial reaction. But that just made their entire relationship seem more magical and special to me since they’d grown up together and knew each other their entire lives. I haven’t been surprised by it since I initially realized they were relatives. 

5. Do any of your friends know about the cousin marriages in your family? How have they reacted?

Yes. I only have a few friends, but they all know. I tell them. I find it interesting and these days, seemingly, unusual. I’m actually proud of my family’s ‘closeness’. Mostly my friends express surprise. If they felt anything negative, they never mentioned it. I realized a long time ago that it’s not everyone’s bag-of-fun, so I always make sure they know that I don’t care what they think and they’re entitled to their opinion, but at the time it happened, it was QUITE common in most small communities, and they may have some similar marriages in their own background they just don’t know about. One of my best friends was my first cousin, so he really couldn’t say anything bad. 🙂

6. Do you experience social stigma from your friends or others in your family because of your lineage? If so, how do you deal with it?

Nope. Everyone knows all about it. See above. 🙂

7. Would you consider yourself to be physically and mentally healthy? Do you have any defects (mental or physical) that has been confirmed to be a result of the consanguinity of your ancestors?

I’m healthy, mostly, but I do have some inherited issues. I have degenerative disc disease. I have the spine of a 90 year old man. I became permanently disabled at the age of 42, the same age that my father became permanently disabled by the same condition. My grandfather also had the same condition. However, I think it’s just one of those things. None of my other male cousins (5 of them) have reported any of the same problems. Mentally, I’ve had issues, but, again, no one else in the family has ever reported any of the same issues as far as I know. Now, I did have an uncle who was developmentally disabled from birth. He died back in the 60s when he was in his mid 30s. I was told he never developed mentally past the age of 6 months. 

Most of my mental issues stem from being sexually abused on and off for 11 years by one of my older male cousins. Yes, I’m an incest/sexual abuse survivor. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, manic-depression, etc. I’m actually sometimes amazed at how normal I am. 

8. What would you say about your quality of life? (e.g. are you happy with life in general? does the stigma around cousin marriage affect you negatively in any way?)

Perfectly happy except for the back issues. I had a great career until I became disabled, I had an outstanding education. My family loves me. I feel pretty much blessed most of the time. I’ve never experienced any stigma. In fact it’s legal for first cousins to marry where I live, so grandma and grandpa’s marriage wasn’t even that close. As far as I can tell from my current knowledge!  😉

9. How do you relate to those cousin couples in your family? Do you get along with them? Do you feel there is a difference in the way they play their grandparent or parental roles in comparison to non-related grandparents or parents?

Everything’s cool. Everyone loved and respected my grandparents. The only time there was a problem was, recently, when two of my 1st cousins once-removed got married a couple of years ago. They were first cousins to each other and had the same last name. The reason most of the family disapproved was because they were both in the ‘trash’ branch of the family and the male cousin was like 20 years older than the female cousin. I actually had more of a problem with the fact that he’s a loser and she’s a loser and together they were a couple of losers. 🙂 They weren’t married long. Like a year, I think. 

10. Does your lineage affect your dating life? (e.g. Do you feel it’s harder to find a partner who is accepting of your family history? Do you experience rejection from potential sexual partners based on your origins?)

The only problems I had in my dating life were caused by my own shyness and mistrust of women. I always tried to be honest and open about my family, so when talking about them, I always brought up the intermarriage. I’m proud of my family and would never try to hide the intermarriage. I haven’t had a lot of partners, because I tend to get involved fairly quickly if the other person is ‘into’ me. But, no one has ever said “I can’t be with you because some of your family members married each other.” I don’t think I would have stood for that any way. 

11. What country or state do you come from? (if you want to share) Is there anything else you’d like to add about cousin marriage in general or about being a descendant of one or more cousin couples?

U.S. I’m going to be vague but you can probably figure out the state from vague hints in this email. It’s a state in the southeast part, and it was one of the original 13 colonies. We’re from the part of the state where the mountains are. 😉 I guess you COULD make jokes about inbred hillbillies and there’d be a *certain* amount of truth to that. 

As I said, I’m pleased as punch to be a member of my family, I love almost all of my relatives (not THAT way though!) and I’m not at all ashamed. 

12. What type of marriages were the cousin marriages in your family? (e.g. were they arranged? based on mutual desire and love? a marriage of convenience?)

All based on love, though I’ve heard my grandfather and grandmother’s marriage was a ‘shotgun’ wedding. Grandpa got grandma knocked up and had to do the ‘honorable thing’ and marry her. He didn’t deny he had been with her, but he had such a horrible childhood and, based on the behavior of his mother and sisters, he assumed all women were lying whores. Grandpa accused my grandma of trying to slip a ringer in on him and, apparently, claimed for years my oldest uncle was not his son. (Long story). He did love her, and she loved him with all her heart. They were married for over 60 years, and I never heard him treat her badly. Though I heard stories about when he was younger that curled my toes. Again, too long of a story!

13. Is there anything else you’d like to add about cousin marriage in general or about being a descendant of one or more cousin couples? 

Not really. I just think you love who you love and you should be free to be with that person if you’re both consenting adults. Who really cares? It’s nobody’s bidness. 😉

The word “transsexuality” sounds like something related to sexuality, but it’s not. Sexual orientation and sexual identity are terms used to describe who we are attracted to and who we love.

Heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual are words you are probably familiar with. They describe sexual orientations. We all have a sexual orientation, trans people included.

We all also have a gender identity – the inner feeling that we are a man or a woman, that we are masculine or feminine, or perhaps somewhere on a “continuum” between masculine and feminine.

Being transgendered or transsexual is about gender identity. For trans people, their bodies do not match their inner experience of gender.

Being trans is not the same as being gay – (from the booklet: ‘Families in Transition; a Resource Guide for Parents of Trans Youth’, by CTYS)

Hi how do I go about telling my 3rd cousin that the whole marriage and children thing is ok, without sounding like I want to have sex with him? I think he’s into me and i do have a crush on him but I don’t wanna sound like I’m coming on to him. -Aki

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

Hi Aki.

I think in your case the first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you want more than just a sexual experience?

If you are looking for something long-term, then the information about marriage and reproduction will obviously be important to you, and in that case, I can see why you’d want him to know it as well.

One way you can possibly let him know is by having a book lying around in your room or mentioned on one of your personal online profiles. So far, I found two decent-seeming books that address these themes directly: Forbidden Relatives: The American Myth of Cousin Marriage by Martin Ottenheimer and Cousins: A Unique and Powerful Bond by Johanna Garfield. I’m in the process of reading these two myself to learn more so I can’t say much about their contents as a review yet, but the topics are both obvious upon first glance. If you comment on either of them very generally, and place them in view of your cousin, you might be able to communicate your thoughts on the subjects and learn his thoughts without having to admit your feelings towards him specifically. You can do the same with a print-out of an article or by sharing an article on an online profile (Facebook, Tumblr, etc) – somewhere he can see it. Maybe even tag him on it.

You can say that you’re doing some research about different kinds of relationships or kinship in different cultures and you found these books or articles and they looked interesting. Then you can ask him what he thinks about these topics. You can ask it in a neutral, discussion-like tone, and if he asks you if you are trying to tell him something or asks if you are hitting on him, just act like you don’t know what he’s talking about and that you are just asking a general question, for a writing project or for school or for your own interest. Make your intentions seem as disinterested as possible. If he still acts suspicious and reserved, just stick with the generic actions of spending more time with him and seeing if he tells you his feelings on his own. No harm done.

You can also try talking about controversial subjects in general one day (cross dressing, plastic surgery, furries? .. lol) and ask what his opinions are one by one, then switch to relationship types (long-distance, relationships with large age gaps, gay relationships, interracial relationships, polyamorous, etc). Mention random interesting statistics. Somewhere in there throw in cousin marriage and some statistics on cousin-cousin reproduction, and see what he says. Make it fun. Try to hint at your own opinions without saying too much. Try to get him to express his opinions first. Don’t linger too long on that one point, and continue your conversation as though it’s all just for amusement. Maybe somewhere along the way you’ll find out what you need to know and if you and your cousin are on the same page. 🙂

Good luck! And keep us posted on your progress if you want!

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

lollipvps:

But you have to understand that when both my cousin and I came out as bisexual to our great-aunt, she told us we were too young to label ourselves.

You have to understand that both of my brothers are gay and came out to her before the ages of 15. She had absolutely no problem.

My great-aunt is a 69 year old lesbian.

You have to understand that not every aspect of biphobia has to do with homophobia.

That is so sad…

Human beings took our animal need for palatable food … and turned it into chocolate souffles with salted caramel cream. We took our ability to co-operate as a social species … and turned it into craft circles and bowling leagues and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We took our capacity to make and use tools … and turned it into the Apollo moon landing. We took our uniquely precise ability to communicate through language … and turned it into King Lear.

None of these things are necessary for survival and reproduction. That is exactly what makes them so splendid. When we take our basic evolutionary wiring and transform it into something far beyond any prosaic matters of survival and reproduction … that’s when humanity is at its best. That’s when we show ourselves to be capable of creating meaning and joy, for ourselves and for one another. That’s when we’re most uniquely human.

And the same is true for sex. Human beings have a deep, hard-wired urge to replicate our DNA, instilled in us by millions of years of evolution. And we’ve turned it into an intense and delightful form of communication, intimacy, creativity, community, personal expression, transcendence, joy, pleasure, and love. Regardless of whether any DNA gets replicated in the process.

Why should we see this as sinful? What makes this any different from chocolate souffles and King Lear?

Greta Christina (Sex and the Off-Label Use of Our Bodies) (via sexisnottheenemy)

Sadly, those who find our sexuality to be “sinful” also find our other creative endeavors to be sinful as well. Those who go after those of us who are LGBT are the first ones to ban books, boycott shows, etc.

(via mutantlexi) (via terrorsteel)

(via thefinalmanifesto)

Wow, that is so true… like that cousin marriage book that was on that library site, where they were asking whether or not it should be banned. That book contained FACTS around the topic rather than perpetuating more myths and misconceptions created by willfully blind cultural and religious prejudices. It really says something about a society when people try to control information itself from being put out there… anything that takes a neutral view of a subject that is considered taboo is often attacked by these same people because they know that accepting media or art that present these topics in a positive way is the start of examining it more closely in real life.

I also like what the quote was saying about sex. Something that I’ve noticed people do when making arguments against interbreeding and intermarriage is making this assumption that the couple should not be together because there are others out there that they can be with without taking as much of a reproductive risk. These arguments are misguided for two reasons: first, those making the comments are often speaking in ignorance, not knowing the actual facts behind the risks. Second, they fail to consider that the couple may be together for so much more than just the instinctual desire to reproduce… There’s so much more to a human relationship. Which means that those who make up the relationship are not exchangeable with just any random person in the population. They can be unique and irreplaceable to each other.

To say that certain couples (like a cousin couple for example) should break up because of reproductive risks is an insult to all mutual human relationships, because you are saying that it’s just that easy for people to let go since when it comes to sex all that matters is “replicating your DNA.”