-Because Love has many offshoots. Pretending that some don’t exist is like pretending that an ‘illegitimate’ child is somehow less connected to their parent, and that only the ones made under socially acceptable conditions are their true children. ‘illegitimate’ kids may have been marginalized throughout history, but outside of social stigma, they’d be equal in every way to the children made under ‘socially acceptable’ circumstances.
~ ~
-Stigma is a hurtful construct. Love is inspiring and natural.
~ ~
-Because when you encourage people to forsake their #1 for a second best, no one ends up happy. And someone’s #1 could be their cousin.
~ ~
-Because I’ve known what it’s like to have people try to push socially constructed identities onto me, while disregarding the real me, intentionally or otherwise. I want to help validate other people’s identities so they never have to experience the kind of self-denial that would keep them from realizing who they really are and what they really want.
~ ~
-Because Love is Love. And if you really mean that phrase, you should be able to extend that understanding to other sexual minorities. Otherwise what you’re really saying is “My Love is Love. Your Love is Not.” How many homophobes have said that of your gay relationship? How many racists have implied that of your interracial relationship? Why would you do that to someone else? The lack of a specific word for discrimination against cousin couples doesn’t make your prejudice any less discriminatory.
~ ~
-It doesn’t happen to everyone but when it does it’s usually because it’s meant to be.
I will add more to this post now and then.
Added Later (after the first 20 ‘notes’):
-There are a lot of myths around the love between cousin couples. If you take the time to investigate those myths you’d see them for what they really are – myths! If you believe that someone can only fall for their cousin due to manipulation, you are disrespecting that person’s voice, their ability to speak and choose for themselves. YOU are the one inadvertently manipulating them, telling them how they should feel, which of their feelings are their own and which are not.
I think many people these days are actually more open to the idea of online dating. But I wanted to share my thoughts anyway because I think there still are some negative attitudes surrounding this method of finding love that don’t really have much reason to back them.
I’m sure you’ve encountered it at one point or other, but there’s this view some seem to hold that online dating is something people turn to when they’ve run out of options in the “real world” or when they are in the older age range with fewer singles available to date. A lot of the time those who criticize are people who have been lucky enough to find their partners without having had to look far. To them, looking for love on the Internet may seem impersonal and strange.
Online dating doesn’t always translate to Long-distance relationship. That’s a whole other kind of experience. What I’m referring to here is finding people online that live close to your area, then asking them out and meeting in real life to begin a relationship shortly afterwards.
There are many reasons why a person would not only use this method, but would prefer it over more traditional ones, including many young people.
Here are some reasons why I believe people may look online for love:
Social Anxiety: Some people just don’t have an abundance of social skills that would allow them to flirt freely with potential partners face-to-face in their day to day lives. If they struggle with social anxiety, they would be experiencing a difficult enough time just making friends.Getting out of their shell to look for something more than friendship may be an agonizing process. Looking online would allow them to communicate with far less anxiety and thus be better prepared for the eventual face-to-face meeting. If you’re looking into online dating for this reason, chances are you’ll find others like yourself with whom you’d feel more comfortable interacting, since they too might know what it feels like to be shy.
No one around is compatible with you:
A person may join a dating site because they cannot find someone in their immediate surroundings that they feel they are compatible with. This person may have little-to-no social anxiety issues. If they don’t, chances are they’ve already tried and possibly exhausted the traditional methods of looking for love (e.g. meeting at an event and giving someone a number, going on blind dates, getting to know someone through mutual friends, etc).
These people may be criticized for turning to online dating because they don’t seem like the ‘type’ of person typically associated with online dating. You might’ve had that one friend who is attractive and sociable with many admirers buzzing around them, and been shocked to hear that not only were they still single, but that they had joined an online dating site… If social skills come easy to them, people might wonder what might be wrong with them (do they think no one is good enough for them? Do they have other personality issues that make them undesirable to their existing admirers?) Why else would a ‘social butterfly’ need to turn to cyberspace to find someone?
One possibility, however, could be that they’ve tried other avenues already, and that the ‘old fashioned’ ways just haven’t worked out for them… Usually because the people they’ve met in “real life” weren’t right for them.
Many people would agree that compatibility is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. So if you can’t find it with the people around you, what’s wrong with looking online?
No time for looking around: If you’ve got an inflexible and loaded work schedule, you probably wouldn’t have spare time to attend events or go to clubs or participate in any other social event that is likely to find you a catch. In this scenario too, online dating would make a great alternative – both convenient and far less stressful. You could always go online for short spurts of time at the end of a long work day, and continue your search without additional strain on your energy. It would take less time to date the right person once you find them than it might to physically go out looking for them in a chance encounter.
MORE
You’re Gay! (or Trans or Bi):
This is not the least of the reasons why some would turn to online dating, especially young people. It can be a pain to always wonder who’s straight and who’s gay if you’re looking for a same-sex partner, or who would accept your Trans or genderqueer identity. Although Pride Parade time would offer its own abundance of opportunities, for the rest of the year, online dating sites could provide a much easier method of discovering a match without having to investigate who’s gay or lesbian or bi or trans, because it’ll be right there on their profiles.
And for you, I recommend: Plenty of Fish, now called http://www.pof.com/ <-this is a free and great site, especially for LGBTQ-identified people! For some reason, there’s a lot of them on there… If it’s still the way it was 3 years ago when I first came across it, it would be a good start for anyone who wants to try finding a date online. You should be able to indicate your sexual orientation on your profile, as well as what kind of relationship you’re looking for (serious, casual, long-term, monogamous, etc). This site is also more active than many others and the profiles on it are more up-to-date.
Also check out this article that gives a brief overview of The Best Online Dating Websites for Gay Men. Some of the sites require paid memberships to use, but others are either free or offer a free account with limits.
You have unusual or very specific sexual preferences: And by unusual, I just mean…different. e.g. You may want to look for people that are into bdsm, or interracial relationships, or someone sharing an interest in a kind of lifestyle that you don’t feel comfortable talking about with just anyone. An online platform would allow you to be open about it, without the awkwardness of having to tell everyone you know what you’re into.
These are just a few among many reasons people may choose to use online dating sites. Depending on your circumstances and preferences, Online Dating can be a more practical and effective method of finding love than traditional ones.
QUOTES From Other Sources
“The way a dating site works ensures [you] get access to the kind of information that probably wouldn’t be discussed on a first date – like whether they want a family, their religion and so on […]” (Quote From This Article)
“The growing number of marriages and long-term relationships formed as a result of single people using online dating sites is a modern day phenomena.” (Quote From This Article)
“One interviewee felt online dating sites helped him to break out of close-knit social or sexual circles to find new people. Others from smaller urban centres felt online sites helped them to find inroads into the gay community in a larger city that might otherwise seem daunting.” (Quote From Gay Men’s Health Article)
“No matter what dating website or service you try, you should always exercise caution. Don’t give out personal details until you know the other person. If and when you arrange to meet an online match, pick a busy, public place.” (Quote From Article: Why Do People Use Internet Dating?)
And finally, it’s ALL Real Life! The Internet just offers an extra set of options you may not have in your immediate surroundings. People that never would’ve met the usual way could end up meeting online.
I’m definitely a believer in the usefulness of online dating since I met my girlfriend of 3 years through plentyoffish.com. I am an extremely picky person, and if I hadn’t tried online dating and found this specific girl, I’m sure I’d still be single right now… And I know an interracial, straight couple who also met on that same site around same time as me and my partner (they’re still together, and very much in love).
I think a lot of the stigma around online dating also comes from a general mistrust of the Internet. If you don’t personally want to use it, that’s one thing. But please don’t judge those who do. As I’ve outlined above, they have their reasons.
Online dating is not an alternative to ‘reality’. It works like a bridge to extend the boundaries of your reality. In the end, any date you find online is still very much a person – not a bunch of pixels on a screen or an imaginary lover.
If you’re looking to try out an online dating site, this article might me of some use to you:
Congratulations! Your friend/family member/colleague just came out to you as bi! *
That’s awesome—you’re obviously a person they trust and value. You must be incredibly great for them to put themselves at such risk with you.
There are a lot of painful stereotypes and myths out there about bisexuals, and most people who are coming out as bi have heard them long before coming out, so they know that with a lot of other people they’re going to get the proverbial “whole lotta ugly from a never-ending parade of stupid.” But not you.
They’re cool with you, and know, or at least hope, you’ll be cool with them.
You, um, don’t want to screw this up, right?
Of course not. You’re a good doobie. You wanna be down with the Bis as a Fierce Ally. Whether you identify as straight, gay, lesbian, pan, omni, asexual, or some other orientation, whether you’re cisgender or trans* or genderfluid/queer, you want to show you are worthy of this bisexual person’s trust in you.
So, here are some suggestions for things you might want to say to your bisexual confidant. Put these in your own words, of course, and most of all: think about how you’d feel hearing them if the situation were reversed. Only you know the full context of your relationship with this person, which should be your best guide to how to respond in a loving, caring, supportive, cool way.
Or just give a hug. Hugs are almost always good responses. Sometimes they’re the best ones.
*While some of what’s on here would apply in the situation where a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, or other partner has just come out to you as bi, those are obviously different situations and probably deserve their own list, since your romantic and/or sexual relationship to that person may be directly involved. This list is really for those relationships that are only familial, professional, and platonic.
10. Thank you so much for telling me! I understand how scary it might have felt to do it, and I’m really honored by your trust in me. I promise to support you however I can. I’m so glad to know this important aspect of who you are.
Just start with the basics, folks: affirm them. And be grateful. It’s a huge, huge deal for most people to come out to someone. Don’t be blasé about it, even in an attempt to show how cool you are with it—that can backfire. You don’t need to weep and hug for hours, but don’t risk giving the impression of blowing it off, either.
9. I believe you, and I’m proud of you for claiming an identity that I know you’ve probably thought a long time about.
This is huge. Don’t question, don’t quibble, don’t debate definitions, don’t—at this point—talk about the Kinsey Scale or the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid. Just take them at their word that they’re bi: because I guarantee you they’ve thought about it a lot more than you have, or ever will, in relation to themselves.
8. When did you first start to realize this part of who you are? Do you remember? There are no wrong answers—I just want to give you a chance to tell me your story if you want to.
Many people coming out of the closet haven’t have the chance to tell their “coming of age” stories in terms of figuring out who they were via early attractions, experiences, and/or relationships. Don’t press for details and don’t pry, but create an opening for your friend to start to tell these stories if they seem like they want to. It can be tremendously important to (finally) be able to tell them.
7. Do you want to tell me about how you feel your bisexuality “works”? I know some bisexuals feel more attracted physically or emotionally to one gender, some feel no real difference, some feel it changes over time, some don’t really think of it this way at all—what’s your experience with this so far? Don’t tell me anything you don’t want to, but only if you think it will help me understand.
As with the last one, tread carefully here, but create an open and safe space for these types of conversations. Some people think a lot about the varying nature of their attractions as bisexuals, others don’t really think about it at all. A common definition for bisexuality, formulated by Robyn Ochs, is that it means having the capacity to feel physical and/or emotional attraction to one’s own and other genders, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. Let your friend begin to sketch out how their sexuality works in their life, if they seem like they want to—the same way you’d want to be able to explain yours to someone. No more, no less.
6. Are you safe at home, at work, at school, in your other relationships? Do you feel threatened or bullied by anyone because of being bisexual? We can get you help if you need it. It’s important to me that you are safe and healthy.
You actually might want to lead with this one pretty early on. People coming out can be under tremendous risk. Make sure your friend is safe, and get help if needed.
5. I understand this is about who you are, not just about whom you’re attracted to, whom you fall for, or whom you have sex with. But if you want to talk about any past or present relationships or experiences you’ve had that are important to you and that you felt you couldn’t talk about before coming out, you can tell me now. And you can trust me to keep your private life private.
For many people, the impetus to come out as bi comes from actually being in a significant non-monosexual relationship, sometimes for the first time, so be prepared to be introduced to someone important to your friend not long after they come out to you. Otherwise, as with the “when did you know?” line of discussion above, just be willing to let them tell their story, much of which they may have felt the need to keep hidden—often very painfully—until now. You may learn they’ve had great loves, and great heartaches, that you never knew about. Try not to feel betrayed or left out, as natural as that may seem to you, and remember how much pressure there is against being openly bisexual in both straight and gay/lesbian culture. They may really have thought they couldn’t possibly ever talk about some of these experiences for fear of being shunned.
4. Are you taking any steps to build a sense of belonging to the wider bisexual and/or LGBTQ community? There are a lot of resources out there for you, and it may be important for you not to feel isolated in this identity at some point.
Bisexuals are the largest proportion of the self-reporting LGBTQ community, but also the most closeted to friends and family and at work, and suffer disproportionately from a wide range of physical and mental health ills and socioeconomic challenges. Encouraging your friend to seek out positive connections to the bisexual and larger LGBTQ community could literally be a life-saving action.
3. If you’re sexually active, do you know how to do all you can to keep yourself safe®, regardless of the gender of the people you may be with at any time? We can get some information together if you have questions.
Without falling prey to the stereotype that all bisexuals are promiscuous and automatically prone to higher rates of STIs (closeted people are, not bisexuals per se), definitely make sure your friend knows the basics of how to be safe. One of the risks of the closet is bad information leading to unsafe sex practices; do your part to help if given the chance.
2. Who else knows? I want to respect your privacy and safety and I will never, ever “out” you to anyone without your prior permission. But if there are people we know in common that you are also out to, and you’re comfortable with everyone who knows being casual about it in conversation, let me know. If you want my help with or advice about coming out to anyone else, you’ve got it—and it’s totally your call. We’ll all follow your lead.
You might be the only person they’re telling for now. You might be one of hundreds. It’s important to know just how and to what extent they’re coming out at this point. And it’s important to know who else knows. Not that you should ever out someone without their prior permission in any context, but mistakes happen, and you’ll want to know just where this person’s “safe zones” are going to be established. Don’t push them to come out to people they’re not ready to, but if they are asking for help—including having you there in a conversation—offer it gladly.
1. You’re my friend. I’m so lucky to have a bisexual friend, because you get to see the world in an amazing way and you’re going to help me understand a little of that. You’re awesome exactly the way you are.
Like #10, affirm, affirm, affirm. Make sure they know you are specifically glad to know they are bisexual and have told you, not merely that you’re “okay” with or “tolerant” of it—they need this identity to be supported and celebrated, not excused or tolerated. Just like you do, with yours.
And there ya have it, Followers and others. I hope this is helpful, just like I hope the companion piece is. That one has gathered more than 330 Notes as of this writing, which I’m thrilled about, so let’s see if we can signal boost this one along with it, okay? I’d like to have the “positive” messaging out there at least as much as the “negative” warnings.
Thanks for reading! And for those of you thinking about coming out: you can do it. It’ll be hard at times, but overall it’ll be the best thing, the healthiest thing, you can do for yourself, when you’re ready. And we’re here to help. If you have any questions, send along a note and I’ll do my best.
What do you think, Followers—anything else to add?
Hey, just wanted to say that this is a really great post! The part that got me most was what you said about brushing it off when someone comes out to you. When I first came out I came out as bi over a facebook message in which I only included people I felt were important enough to me that I owed them a more detailed explanation. I’ll never forget that while most people responded in a surprisingly validating, understanding way (a few even saying they weren’t surprised. XD), there were at least 2 that didn’t even acknowledge it… these 2 people chatted with me later and they didn’t even mention my coming out to them, no response whatsoever. They talked like it never happened. In a way I wasn’t surprised because one of them have always been an extremely reserved, conventional kind of person all throughout elementary & high school, so I guessed they didn’t know how to process anything out of the ordinary. And the other person’s very traditional cultural background might’ve had to do with them not knowing what to say about homosexuality in general…
But it still hurt to have that total absence of acknowledgement. Especially as I cared enough about them to include them in my coming out message in the first place. They were able to talk about anything else but my coming out. It really made me feel like they thought it was so wrong that they couldn’t even speak about it… Or that they thought it was a passing phase so if they didn’t say anything it would just go away. If people don’t know how to react to someone coming out to them, they should go online and look it up or something… look up the advice a gay person or straight ally would give about how to react to someone’s coming out. Because not saying anything to your friend once they’d come out to you is a horrible way to handle it. It only leaves the person who came out to you full of doubts, including wondering if you’re a real friend after all, since you could so easily ignore something about them that required them to overcome so much anxiety to share with you. Even asking them questions in a respectful way is better than completely and totally pretending it didn’t happen.
Staying silent is not an alternative to saying “I accept you.” If you don’t say something about it, all you’re doing is leaving the other person with a millions doubts, constantly wondering what you thought… And that’s going to affect your friendship in the long term, because who wants to be friends with someone who they can’t even be open with about some of the most important parts of their identity?
Hi there! Well, the good thing is you seem to already have a close friendship with her. That’s definitely a start as it means you obviously know her well enough to even think about sharing your feelings. It also means that if things don’t work out, you still have a friendship to fall back on, so you can still keep her in your life.
The advice that I would give is one similar to advice I’ve seen someone else give to a person in a similar situation. You should give her little hints that you want to get closer to her, without making it obvious that you have romantic feelings for her. e.g. flirt with her a little, or go with her on a date-like outing (like going to a movie together – a romantic movie!), spend more time with her than usual. Whatever you do, make it something that can always be interpreted two ways, so that if she seems uncomfortable you can simply act like it was just a friendly gesture, and nothing more than that, and go back to the activities that she’s comfortable with.
If she does show interest in becoming closer to you and responds well to your extra attention, then find a good time to talk to her and tell her how you feel, heart to heart. Tell her that you don’t want to make her uncomfortable but that you really need to be honest, and that no matter how she feels you still want her to be in your life. If you show her that you’re being genuine and not pressuring her to act against her comfort level, then there should be nothing for her to feel threatened by.
Good luck!!
A fundamental premise of ethical relationships is that all relationships are consensual. That means people are free to enter relationships without coercion, and free to end relationships that are not meeting their needs. An ethical relationship is one where nobody feels compelled to stay against their will.
More Than Two – Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert (via danielscardoso)
Did you know the United States is the only western nation with restrictions on cousin marriage?
The next step in marriage equality has arrived. Share your stories with us and help bring this issue to the forefront!
http://ow.ly/AhSnQ
This doesn’t surprise me one bit. The more I find out about the U.S. the happier I feel to be living in Canada. But I hope things change for you guys, I really do. You shouldn’t have to relocate your whole life just to have basic human rights.
I never post personal stuff on this blog, but I wanted to share something with you all.
Until last spring, no one but my platonic partner knew I am not cisgender. I talked about my gender identity exclusively with people online, trying to understand how to deal with being non-binary without…
rainbowamory 