Video: Are We NARCISSISTS?
The above is a video by the cousin couple from that Utah news article that I posted here earlier (sharing for educational purposes).
They also have a YouTube channel in which they post other videos about their relationship, if you want to check it out:
And they have a Facebook page here:
https://www.facebook.com/The-Michael-and-Angie-Foundation-1242075979291379/
Anonymous asked: hi, i was wondering if there’s anything wrong with dating your 4th cousin? And how to deal with family reactions?
Hey,
There is nothing inherently wrong about dating or being in love with a relative, as long as it’s fully consensual. In many places in the world, first cousins can marry. In even more places, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins, 4th cousins, etc can marry.
I’m not the person to ask about more complicated things like advice on how to deal with family reactions. I have made little suggestions before but there are things others would be better suited to help you with.
So I would recommend you visit some of these sites where you can find communities of people that would be more knowledgeable about this topic:
Facebook group for cousin couples or allies:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/369860813120194/
Community for consanguinamory of all kinds, including cousins:
I really hope that helps you. 🙂
If you want, you can also check out this post I made where there are links to other information that might be of use:
rainbowamory.tumblr.com/post/174978448635/cousin-love-useful-information-resources
This was a submission by a woman in her 30s for this blog, answering some questions about her relationship with her first cousin. Thank you, anon, for sharing this!
What is your sexual orientation and gender identity?
I am a straight (cis) woman and he is a straight (cis) man.
What kind of relationship are you currently in?
I’m in a straight cousin/cousin relationship. We also have an age difference of over 10 years. He is the older one.
How did you meet your partner?
We did not grow up together. We maybe saw each other a few times but no real interaction or interest. The age difference was too much. He spent a lot of time away for years and we did not interact for decades.
What stage of your relationship are you in?
Our relationship is pretty new but very strong. We are committed to staying together.
How do you feel about your relationship dynamic?
It’s very happy, open, and communicative. We discuss our feelings very well and feel secure with each other.
Do you currently have or do you plan on having children with your partner? (biological or by adoption)
No, not at all and no plans to have children.
Is there anyone else like you who’s relationship you admire, that reminds you of your own?
Not really but then again, I know a lot of unhappy couples.
Do your friends and family know about your relationship? How do they feel about it?
No, our relationship is currently secret and we plan on keeping it that way. It’s not anyone else’s business.
Has anyone ever criticized you based on your personal life or your sexual/romantic feelings? How did you or your partner handle it?
See above. Secrecy = no criticism.
What would you tell those going through similar struggles as you in their love lives?
Follow your heart and be with the person you want to be with. There is nothing wrong with having a private relationship either. People may not accept your relationship but you shouldn’t make it your problem.
Please consider singing this petition for this couple to change the marriage laws in Utah to allow for cousins to marry. See their story and petition here:
https://www.thepetitionsite.com/954/693/035/allow-first-cousins-to-marry-in-utah/
I hope they actually stay together and never let anyone tear them apart.
Below is the link to the article.
Link to article: Utah cousins drive to Colorado to get married
This is something I’ve noticed when looking at different kind of cousin pairs in fiction. Cousins can have various dynamics depending on how they are brought up, their individual personalities, their life experiences and so on… Even though this is a simplified way of looking at it, if cousin dynamics were to be broke down into categories according to upbringing alone, I think there would be 3 main ones:
Example 1: In the 1999 movie Sunshine, the cousins who end up marrying were raised in the same house as siblings first.
Example 2: In the 2013 film Friends from France, the two cousins who end up having a fling in adulthood had grown up together under very close quarters, to the point where the girl says the guy is “like a brother” to her.
Example 3: Jon & Sansa from Game of Thrones – raised together as siblings – see each other as brother/sister – they don’t know their real relation yet (up to season 7)
Characteristics: This dynamic is very close to being like a sibling dynamic, often indistinguishable from it. Couples with this dynamic are either extra intimate with each other OR forever hesitant to cross boundaries due to seeing each other more like platonic siblings for so long.
Continue reading “Cousin Dynamics and my preference in fiction”
There are some people out there–specifically the ones who are against sexual relationships between family members–who like to assume that cousin marriage being illegal in some places is enough of a reason to ban it everywhere.
The fact is, there are a number of reasons why cousin marriage might be illegal in some places that ultimately doesn’t serve as a legitimate argument to ban it altogether.
More often that not, the people that like using this reasoning are people who are choosing the easiest and most self-serving interpretation of this inconsistency in the law. They are choosing what makes sense to them according to their prejudices and fears and dislikes, rather than actually asking a genuine question.
This aspect of the debate goes beyond my personal interest area and intentions for research. But I would like to share some theories (based on bits and pieces I’ve read on this topic) about why I think cousin marriage is illegal in some places. These are just theories and educated guesses, but anyone who is really curious should consider some of these things:
Religion
Sometimes there is no logic to the decisions made in a legal system, especially in places where religion rules. Extremist religious beliefs can seep into the system and affect laws, with very little consideration for facts regarding actual risks.
Population size/endogamy
I’ve noticed when looking up cousin marriage briefly that some of the places where it is banned happen to also be sparsely populated. This makes sense from a scientific perspective, since a smaller population would mean less diversity in genes, which means that the risks would be higher for consanguineous marriage–even more so if it occurs several generations in succession.
Another thing that supports this theory is that cousin marriage is often legal in bigger cities. (larger population= more genetic diversity… which means lower risks). Also, with so many people to choose from, fewer people would consider marrying a cousin, which further lowers risks to population health.
Arranged/forced marriage
When looking up something I heard about cousin marriage being illegal in a European country, I came across some legal materials that stated that “arranged” marriage specifically was illegal. Cousin marriages based on cultural traditions are often arranged. This law wasn’t a total ban…rather it was a ban on forced marriage specifically. If two cousins wanted to be married, they’d have to sign a document confirming that they are both mutually consenting to a marriage before they are allowed to marry.
So what appeared to be a total ban was really only a ban on arranged marriage. It was just something in place to protect people from being forced into a marriage they didn’t want.
Cultural traditions
Another reason why marriage between cousins is illegal in some places may have to do with discouraging generational inbreeding. This most often seems to occur in cultures where it is a custom to marry a cousin.
If you look up the history of marriage bans in a given location, you’ll see that some of these bans occurred as a direct reaction to the problem of generational inbreeding among ethnic groups… marriage bans meant these traditions could not be continued. This also meant no more arranged marriages.
Often these same places that have bans on marriage will not prosecute two cousins living together and having kids. So the real purpose of the ban is more about discouraging multiple-generation arranged marriages– It’s not a reflection of the risks for a single generation.
…
Regardless of where it is banned and why, the facts still remain. First cousin marriage is legal in many places, and that is because the reproductive risks for a single generation are low. As long as it is mutually consensual, no one is abused.
The problems in cousin marriage arise when it occurs with no limits. But the solution to that should not be worldwide bans. It should be a solution that offers balance, between allowing consenting adults to be together and at the same time making sure inbreeding always remains within levels that are safe.
YES! Happy to hear of another therapist that is worth recommending to those who are in consang relationships, like the kind discussed on this blog.
I’m copying and pasting from this page: http://marriage-equality.blogspot.com/2018/09/a-note-from-therapist.html#comment-form
Details:
I am a psychotherapist who specializes in working with clients who struggle with “taboo” sexualized thoughts and behaviors. I’m currently working on research dealing with consensual familial intimate relationships. I offer online therapy as well as in-person and I accept most major insurance. I’m licensed in Georgia and Maryland.
Keya Johnson, MSW, LCSW, CCTP, CSOTP
therapist.keya@gmail.com
Before talking to anyone, you should make sure you know their rules and what to expect.
FME wrote a blog post recently about same sex cousin marriage:
I’ve been hoping to find some info on this kind of overlapping identity. So, check out the above post if you were looking for some commentary on that topic.
Hey, at the moment, I don’t know of a list that covers those countries specifically.. (If someone has an updated list, please share) But you can try looking up the government websites for those places and see if you can find information on marriage. Type in “[name of country] marriage laws”.
Sites like this would be more reliable than just any site:
https://www.government.se/government-policy/
When you said that bit about Sweden, I knew it couldn’t be true because I had heard that Sweden allows half SIBLINGS to marry under certain circumstances, so no way would they ban cousin marriage.
I looked it up and found this document (official government document) dated to 2013. If the laws haven’t changed since then, this should still be in effect:
https://www.government.se/4a767e/contentassets/1e0263a0318e47b4b8515b535925941b/family-law.pdf
Look at section 2.1…. here is a quote:
There’s a lot of misinformation floating around. If you read it carefully, you’d see by the wording that first cousin marriage should be legal, because they often mention that siblings can’t marry OR anyone in the “direct” line – key word: Direct.
Cousins are NOT in the direct line, therefore they can marry (as long as it’s not arranged or forced). Many descriptions are worded in this way. As long as it doesn’t specifically say you can’t marry a first cousin (defined as being the biological child of your parent’s sibling) then it should be legal.
rainbowamory 