Someone’s comment about consensual incest, from a debate site.
Category: Cousin Love posts
Where to draw the line with cousin/cousin reproduction (my opinion)
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I am not the gate-holder to anyone’s life, but I feel that because I run this blog I have a kind of responsibility to make some kind of statement about where I personally would ‘draw the line’ in my support of cousins-cousin pairings.
In other posts, I try to be as neutral as possible but this post is largely my personal opinion. If someone out there lives differently I won’t demonize them, but I want to express my personal feeling on ‘limitations’ to reproduction. There is more I need to read to understand this topic more in depth but from what I’ve read so far, including from the real life examples I know of, this is the opinion I’ve formulated for myself:
I repeat this all the time: if you ever plan on making kids with your first cousin or any other cousin, you should try your best to go to at least one genetic councilor to get a better understanding of where you stand with regards to your reproductive risks.
I am very much against the custom of arranged marriage (and by that I mean, the custom of pressuring, forcing, or manipulating two people to marry against their will). Here I am talking about mutually consensual love.
I feel that there does need to be limits to reproduction, even for cousins. I think their risk level is low enough to justify them taking the risk in a single generation, BUT, my opinion is that a “line” should be drawn directly after that first generation has children.
Here are my reasons for thinking this way:
- The stigma that is attached to these relationships comes largely from observations made about inbreeding depression – when several generations inbreed, there are a series of consequences that can occur. All you need to do is have a glance at the family tree of King Charles II of Spain. It is downright horrifying what can happen with several generations in a row of inbreeding. This is an inescapable fact.
- I say a line should be drawn in terms of reproduction only, and only after the first generation. If someone whose parents are already cousins ends up falling in love with their cousin I think they have every right to be together, however, I don’t think they should have children. If this 2nd generation marries outside the family, this wouldn’t be an issue and they wouldn’t have to worry about the risks rising.
- I feel that those consang couples who should have children (if they want to) are cousin couples that do not have incest in the last 4 generations or so in their shared lineage, and an overall healthy family tree (with their own health also being evaluated). This is to ensure that there is enough genetic diversity to afford them the lowest possible risk level in conceiving their own children with each other.
- I think the cut off mark needs to be drawn directly after this first generation, because from that point onward the baseline risk for further incestuous relationships begins to increase. Yes it’s possible that there would still be enough genetic diversity left over to allow for healthy kids in this 2nd generation as well, but I feel that the more inbreeding occurs in a single family line, the higher the chances of their children growing up and thinking no harm would be done in making it a ‘tradition.’
- I don’t think cousin marriage should ever be a cultural or family ‘custom’. I think that is dangerous and can easily turn into the Charles II family tree a few generations down the line. I think cousin marriage should be an ‘exception’ made for those few people that truly feel their cousin is the only one they want to commit to.
- My argument is not based solely on risk level because it’s possible that the risk is still low for a consanguineous couple even at that 2nd generation. I just think that if someone is going to make a gamble like this they should do it under circumstances where the odds are undeniably in their favor, and get out early in the game. This is the best way to keep the good and leave out the bad. The more generations that take the gamble the higher the stakes get, to the point where more is lost than gained.
- My uncle had 3 children with his first cousin. They are healthy. But there is also the fact that we do not have incest in our family line as far back as 4 generations on my grandmother’s side (don’t know beyond that) and 2 generations on my grandfather’s side (don’t know beyond that). So when my uncle had kids his risk level would have likely been the best it could be for two first cousins.
- I don’t know why no one talks about this issue of generational inbreeding when supporting cousin marriage. For any freedom to be enjoyed there NEEDS to be some kind of limit.
- If there is a set pattern like this, where only those cousin couples that don’t have incest in the past 4 generations make kids, and only the ones that truly want to, then we wouldn’t have the inbreeding depression problem – because cousin marriage would happen less often and when it does, it would occur only under the safest conditions.
People often rely on the worst case scenarios to argue against cousin marriage. They point to things like Charles II’s family tree… When ignorant people see this they don’t look any further into genetic possibilities because they get scared off. And who can blame them? Charles II was thought to be one of the most inbred people in the world, with very little diversity in his gene pool. If those who fall in love with their cousins follow a set of limits such as that I mentioned to regulate their risk level and keep it consistently small, then there would be no more murky examples like that for opponents of cousin marriage to use against them. This would not only help drastically reduce health risks for children, but it would leave us with better examples to help fight the stigma long-term.
Why Your Cousin May NOT Want To Date You
Why Your Cousin May NOT Want To Date You
Yes, I know. Strange topic for such a blog as mine.
But I feel that some things need to be said, however harsh these things may be for some people to hear.
I have been asked for advice by a few people on how to approach their cousin about romantic feelings they were experiencing. This isn’t a specific response to any of those individuals and their situation, but rather a general musing on the topic.
I want to first state that I DO support cousin couples, and their decision to make children, provided they are a stable couple and take all the necessary measures to ensure the odds are largely in their favor for having healthy children, after proper genetic counseling.
I myself have never been involved with any of my cousins, romantically or sexually, nor do I intend to be. When I make suggestions, privately or on the main blog, I make them as an ally, and as someone who can empathize with what it means to ‘love outside the lines.’
Having said that, I will be the first to acknowledge that like any relationship, there is no guarantee that a relationship between two cousins will work out long-term. It really depends on the couple, how deeply they love each other, how well each partner deals with stigma, how much effort each one is willing to put into the relationship… and a certain mysterious element of fate.
Most times I want to be optimistic, but being optimistic while ignoring the negatives would not be helpful to anyone.
Below I want to outline what may be obvious to some of you but which might be useful to remember when dealing with rejection or the possibility of rejection.
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After having talked to some people online, as well as from stories people I know have told me about ‘kissing cousins’ that did not work out, here are some reasons I gathered for why your cousin may NOT want to date you:
1. They may just not be into you. You may not be their ‘type’. This could happen to anyone, related or not.
2. They may be unsure of their own feelings, still discovering what they want in a partner (especially if they are young and new to dating).
3. They may be affected by stigma (both external and internal) to the point where they cannot even hear you confess your feelings without feeling ‘wrong.’
4. They may already be in love with someone else.
5. They may have anxiety about the genetic risks of reproduction for cousins (this one is a recurring factor I’ve noticed in stories of rejection). Often these anxieties are made worse by exaggerated social myths and lack of education.
6. They may be scared of what they might lose (friends, family, job opportunities – if people knew)
7. They may not love you the same way you love them, or on the same level.
8. They may have other issues (trauma) that prevent them from becoming close to anyone, relative or not.
9. They may worry about the future and the complications that may arise from the nature of the relationship (telling their kids, social isolation, discrimination, having to be secretive with certain people, etc)
10. They may have concerns arising from religious beliefs (if these beliefs conflict with their feelings)
11. They may want you in a sexual way but not in an emotional way – enough for a fling or two but nothing lasting.
This is one list, perhaps not exhaustive. There may be a number of other factors that I’ve forgotten or overlooked.
If you look at this list you’d see that while some of these things could change with maturity or education, others cannot or will not.
I don’t want to undermine the sincerity and weight of unrequited love. But it’s important to remember a relationship can only work if EACH individual involved is on the same page, in their values, their feelings, their expectations, and their commitment.
This is even MORE important in a relationship type that is a minority, with challenges ahead and existing in a world full of ignorance.
Your feelings are legitimate, they are important, they are natural, and you have every right to hold those feelings in your heart. But you have to also set limits to your expectations. You need to ask yourself at what point are you going to attempt to move on?
♦
There are men and women out there that are in lasting relationships with their cousins. If you get rejected on the basis of relation, chances are, it’s simply not meant to be for you.
I’m trying to show some tough love here… This is what I leave you with, and I’d say this to anyone who asks me for advice:
Finding a non-related person that would love you regardless of whether or not you are related (hypothetically) can be the same as having that one cousin you desire returning your feelings. Because in either circumstance, what you get is a person that loves you for YOU, enough to overcome boundaries.
Just because it doesn’t work out with your cousin, doesn’t mean you won’t find love. Don’t give up right away, but don’t wait forever either.
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(Pic 2 From: http://emo-hd-wallpapers.blogspot.ca/2014/03/broken-heart-emo-wallpapers-2014-new.html)
(Pic 3 From: http://www.picturequotes.com/unrequited-love-quotes)
Just thought this was cute for some reason 😀
Cousin Couples (offspring’s perspective)
I think I’ve mentioned the reddit page before but since then I’ve not been there much, mostly because the discussions there are often fetish-based, and that is not what my blog is about.
However, today I went there to see if I could post something about this blog, when I came across a post that caught my eye… At first it seemed extremely disheartening to read the original poster’s experience. It stirred up some negative feelings in my head… coming from the perspective by which I am used to looking at this type of relationship.
But as I read some of the responses, as well as how the original poster’s reflections evolved as they attempted to understand and process the new information they were getting, I found it to be an interesting and balanced post in many ways.
It helped put some things into perspective for me too, like why the child of a cousin couple might have a hard time accepting their family’s reality. Such a large part of it has to do with the stigma society creates… which wouldn’t exist if more people actually examined this subject up close, with the ability to distinguish between personal distaste vs. facts vs. ideas that are taught to us from a young age rather than occurring naturally in us.
And in the discussion also, the poster mentions the role media representations played in their overall reaction, self-image, and struggle to accept things.
It is an important post to read, no matter from which angle you are coming at this topic (as the couple or the child of such a couple).
Here is the Link:
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Additional note:
The poster also mentions that her father felt he had made a mistake (as in the pregnancy had been unintended). That revelation also had a negative impact on her process of self-acceptance. I just want say that this is why on this blog I am always referring to relationships that are not only consensual but built on deep mutual love. Because the more genuine the love between the couple is the less likely they are to regret their decisions.. and the less likely their kids are to feel more pain than others’ ignorance already creates for them.
Mixed Topic Blog – Part 1 (Kissing Cousins & Queerness)
I’ve been debating with myself on whether or not to share examples from my own life for this blog. Part of the reason is I don’t want to take away the anonymity of certain individuals, as their stories are not mine to tell. But I feel that maybe it might help someone if I just write about it without giving too many specifics.
The purpose of this sharing is so you can see how closely tied we all are and that these kinds of relationships are all around us, though we may not know of them.
Back when I first decided I wanted to explore these topics someday in my fiction, I didn’t know anyone in person that was in a relationship with their cousin. I only knew a butch lesbian girl about my age who was my close friend. That was the only person I knew at the time that represented anything outside the ‘norm’.
When I was 18, I was having a conversation with my mother one day, telling her about my fictional pairing and their unique bond. I felt very weird sharing that with her, and I was worried she’d judge me. But what she told me surprised me. She told me that one of my uncles was married to his first cousin… He was the only one like that in my extended family, which is a very large family.
At first I didn’t know how to feel about it. I barely knew him since I grew up in a different country, though while I was still in my homeland (before I moved to that other country) I saw him around when visiting my grandparents. I also saw his wife. I used to think she was scary when I was a kid because she had a temper when dealing with her children’s misbehaviour. At a later visit though, when I was older, I saw her in a different light as she treated us very kindly…
But the ones I remembered a little more were their kids. They had two sons back then. I used to think of the younger one as the ‘toothless kid’ cause when I knew him he was so young and still losing his milk teeth. The older one was around my age and I felt more of a bond with him. I would see him picking flowers in my grandmother’s front yard and I used to think of him as being like Peter Pan… because he seemed free spirited and in touch with his imagination. I have to admit that since then he has grown up to be something of an arrogant, self-centred person… I think he developed that attitude from having got to travel the world, while most of our other family were still in our old home country.
I think his travels had also made him a little more open-minded (he has some gay & lesbian friends) though I had to educate him on trans issues, which he knew nothing about. His brother also has a lot to learn when it comes to anything queer.. but I always felt like he made an effort to talk to me, while many of my other cousins didn’t, so I appreciated that. They have a little sister now, who I also got to meet briefly during a later visit, and she was so sweet and humble – she was having some self esteem issues about her looks so I was trying to encourage her and boost her self esteem (she felt like one of our other cousins was prettier than her..)
So basically, I met their whole family and have come to feel that they are like any other family. But at first it was weird for me to hear about their parents, in part because I had a negative impression of their mother when I was a kid, but also because this was the first time I was encountering a cousin/cousin relationship in real life. It’s easier to explore these things in theory or imagination. But when you come across it in reality, especially in your own family, sometimes you do need a moment to process it and adjust your mind to it. Because social conditioning runs deep.
That was the first time I had to look outside my fiction and try to understand the actual challenges that kind of couple, that kind of family, would have to deal with. Luckily for them, they come from a culture that makes space for their love within the greater society, to a certain extent. So they could manage to exist in peace within that society and raise their kids and still be part of the extended family.
I asked my mother how she feels about it, the fact that her brother is married to their cousin. She said she loves her brother very much, he was very kind to all his sisters while growing up (he would buy them clothes, encourage their education, etc). My mother was brought up in the same culture he was, so it wasn’t an unusual thing to see him marry their cousin. But it wasn’t an arranged marriage. The couple fell in love with each other and decided to marry of their own free will.
My mother said that the women that married her other brothers (her in-laws) were like strangers, whereas her cousin was always a part of the family, she had grown up with her, so she felt more comfortable/familiar around her than with her unrelated sisters-in-law.
I talked about it again with my mother several years later, after starting this blog. She had doubts around whether or not it was right for couples like them to have kids. This kind of hurt me to hear, so I told her all the things I learned about genetics from the reading I’ve done so far. She just felt that there was a lot we didn’t know about potential health risks in cases like that, both short term and long term, which is a fair concern. But I kept talking to her until she seemed to at least understand my view that if the risk is a low enough one to make it worth taking, there’s nothing wrong with it. If you can give a kid quality of life to make life worth living, and give them as many opportunities as possible to be successful, then why deny them existence?
Between a society that is judgemental and an individual that follows their heart I think it’s the society that needs to change. Because alot of the damage that is done to families like that or couples like that comes directly from outside, not within.
The only irony, if I’m going to be honest, is that I’m not sure if my uncle would be as accepting of my identity. He’s used to having the same privileges to the most part that straight men have. And in his culture there are no spaces for queer people to be openly themselves.
Knowing about him has made me see that all kinds of people can exist in one family, that closely situated, without ever knowing about each other… there must be so many other families out there like mine, but they either wouldn’t know about it or wouldn’t talk about it.
My mother accepts me and her brother’s family, I accept myself and my uncle’s family, but would he accept me? I don’t know… Some of the family may accept him but not me, or accept me but not him.. some may reject us both. All of that, to me, is simply a refusal to accept that we’re all equal. And that, above everything, is what I struggle most with.
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That is one example. The second one I have is from my partner’s family [read Part 2]
The Need for Better Representation in Fiction
When it comes to subjects or themes that have social stigma attached to them, it is rare to see them explored in fiction with neutrality. Have you ever watched a film or tv show in which love between cousins is referred to as something distasteful? Something that only unsophisticated, backwards…
This is why I’m writing my book and running this blog. 🙂
That’s awesome! I didn’t get a chance yet to properly check out your project and blog but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do, and will do! I’m working on a story with trans themes myself. And someday I plan to write a series with a main character that is in a relationship with his first cousin from the age of 15 and up. Someone told me incest is a touchy topic but changing that detail about my character’s life is like saying there’s something wrong with it, which I will never ever do, no matter what, especially not to appease the most ignorant groups of people in society. My favourite genre is fantasy/adventure. I’ve always wanted to talk to other people who are working on or planning to write fiction that challenges social stigmas around relationship diversity (nice term by the way! the first time I saw it was on your blog). So good for you and keep doing what you’re doing! 🙂
Down The Line – an Interview with a Descendant of Consanguineous marriage
Intro: I am posting here the results of an interview I conducted by e-mail with someone who is a descendent of cousin marriage. This is for the benefit of those who might find this information helpful in seeing what kind of factors they may need to consider if/when deciding to make a family of their own.
Any opinions or facts expressed here should be taken as the experience of one individual. The opinions of others with similar family lineages may vary based on where they grew up, cultural background, family dynamics, personal world-view, and the varying levels of stigma they may be exposed to. It should also be noted that the genetics risks for a single generation cousin marriage differs from the risks in families with several intermarriages in them. Social conditions are important to consider when making a family, but incorporating genetic counseling into any decision-making process is the best way to have a more complete idea of what you can expect in the future.
INTERVIEW:
1. To begin with, what is your age? Gender? And sexual orientation?
Between 49 and 60, male, straight.
2. Which couple in your direct lineage is related by blood to their spouse? If there is more than one, which couples are related by blood? To what degree are they related? (e.g. first cousins, second cousins, etc)
My grandparents were 1st cousins once removed. My grandfather used to joke about their relationship when my cousins and I were growing up. He used to say that my grandmother was more Smith (not our actual surname) than he was, because both her grandfathers were Smiths, while only one of his grandfathers was a Smith. It’s possible they were also related another way, but my research into our family ‘tree’ isn’t very far along. I frequently joke with my cousins and other friends and family that our family tree is more like a family ‘wreath’. 🙂
3. How old were you when you first found out about the intermarriage or intermarriages? How did you find out? (e.g. did someone tell you directly or did you figure it out by accident?)
I was a child, but I didn’t really understand the significance until I was an adult. It was not a secret, everyone in the family knew. It wasn’t just my family, most of the other families in the area had intermarried as well due to the smallness of the gene pool. In fact, everyone in that area is interrelated. For example, one cousin (I’ll call her ‘Janet’) is my 1st cousin once removed through her father (i.e. she and my father are first cousins), and she’s my 5th cousin through her mother. I’m not sure if that’s the correct terminology for that relationship by the way. Her grandmother and I, we’re third cousins, if that helps. See? It gets confusing!
4. What was your initial reaction? Has that reaction changed over time or has it stayed the same?
Surprise was my initial reaction. But that just made their entire relationship seem more magical and special to me since they’d grown up together and knew each other their entire lives. I haven’t been surprised by it since I initially realized they were relatives.
5. Do any of your friends know about the cousin marriages in your family? How have they reacted?
Yes. I only have a few friends, but they all know. I tell them. I find it interesting and these days, seemingly, unusual. I’m actually proud of my family’s ‘closeness’. Mostly my friends express surprise. If they felt anything negative, they never mentioned it. I realized a long time ago that it’s not everyone’s bag-of-fun, so I always make sure they know that I don’t care what they think and they’re entitled to their opinion, but at the time it happened, it was QUITE common in most small communities, and they may have some similar marriages in their own background they just don’t know about. One of my best friends was my first cousin, so he really couldn’t say anything bad. 🙂
6. Do you experience social stigma from your friends or others in your family because of your lineage? If so, how do you deal with it?
Nope. Everyone knows all about it. See above. 🙂
7. Would you consider yourself to be physically and mentally healthy? Do you have any defects (mental or physical) that has been confirmed to be a result of the consanguinity of your ancestors?
I’m healthy, mostly, but I do have some inherited issues. I have degenerative disc disease. I have the spine of a 90 year old man. I became permanently disabled at the age of 42, the same age that my father became permanently disabled by the same condition. My grandfather also had the same condition. However, I think it’s just one of those things. None of my other male cousins (5 of them) have reported any of the same problems. Mentally, I’ve had issues, but, again, no one else in the family has ever reported any of the same issues as far as I know. Now, I did have an uncle who was developmentally disabled from birth. He died back in the 60s when he was in his mid 30s. I was told he never developed mentally past the age of 6 months.
Most of my mental issues stem from being sexually abused on and off for 11 years by one of my older male cousins. Yes, I’m an incest/sexual abuse survivor. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, manic-depression, etc. I’m actually sometimes amazed at how normal I am.
8. What would you say about your quality of life? (e.g. are you happy with life in general? does the stigma around cousin marriage affect you negatively in any way?)
Perfectly happy except for the back issues. I had a great career until I became disabled, I had an outstanding education. My family loves me. I feel pretty much blessed most of the time. I’ve never experienced any stigma. In fact it’s legal for first cousins to marry where I live, so grandma and grandpa’s marriage wasn’t even that close. As far as I can tell from my current knowledge! 😉
9. How do you relate to those cousin couples in your family? Do you get along with them? Do you feel there is a difference in the way they play their grandparent or parental roles in comparison to non-related grandparents or parents?
Everything’s cool. Everyone loved and respected my grandparents. The only time there was a problem was, recently, when two of my 1st cousins once-removed got married a couple of years ago. They were first cousins to each other and had the same last name. The reason most of the family disapproved was because they were both in the ‘trash’ branch of the family and the male cousin was like 20 years older than the female cousin. I actually had more of a problem with the fact that he’s a loser and she’s a loser and together they were a couple of losers. 🙂 They weren’t married long. Like a year, I think.
10. Does your lineage affect your dating life? (e.g. Do you feel it’s harder to find a partner who is accepting of your family history? Do you experience rejection from potential sexual partners based on your origins?)
The only problems I had in my dating life were caused by my own shyness and mistrust of women. I always tried to be honest and open about my family, so when talking about them, I always brought up the intermarriage. I’m proud of my family and would never try to hide the intermarriage. I haven’t had a lot of partners, because I tend to get involved fairly quickly if the other person is ‘into’ me. But, no one has ever said “I can’t be with you because some of your family members married each other.” I don’t think I would have stood for that any way.
11. What country or state do you come from? (if you want to share) Is there anything else you’d like to add about cousin marriage in general or about being a descendant of one or more cousin couples?
U.S. I’m going to be vague but you can probably figure out the state from vague hints in this email. It’s a state in the southeast part, and it was one of the original 13 colonies. We’re from the part of the state where the mountains are. 😉 I guess you COULD make jokes about inbred hillbillies and there’d be a *certain* amount of truth to that.
As I said, I’m pleased as punch to be a member of my family, I love almost all of my relatives (not THAT way though!) and I’m not at all ashamed.
12. What type of marriages were the cousin marriages in your family? (e.g. were they arranged? based on mutual desire and love? a marriage of convenience?)
All based on love, though I’ve heard my grandfather and grandmother’s marriage was a ‘shotgun’ wedding. Grandpa got grandma knocked up and had to do the ‘honorable thing’ and marry her. He didn’t deny he had been with her, but he had such a horrible childhood and, based on the behavior of his mother and sisters, he assumed all women were lying whores. Grandpa accused my grandma of trying to slip a ringer in on him and, apparently, claimed for years my oldest uncle was not his son. (Long story). He did love her, and she loved him with all her heart. They were married for over 60 years, and I never heard him treat her badly. Though I heard stories about when he was younger that curled my toes. Again, too long of a story!
13. Is there anything else you’d like to add about cousin marriage in general or about being a descendant of one or more cousin couples?
Not really. I just think you love who you love and you should be free to be with that person if you’re both consenting adults. Who really cares? It’s nobody’s bidness. 😉
Hi how do I go about telling my 3rd cousin that the whole marriage and children thing is ok, without sounding like I want to have sex with him? I think he’s into me and i do have a crush on him but I don’t wanna sound like I’m coming on to him. -Aki
Hi Aki.
I think in your case the first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you want more than just a sexual experience?
If you are looking for something long-term, then the information about marriage and reproduction will obviously be important to you, and in that case, I can see why you’d want him to know it as well.
One way you can possibly let him know is by having a book lying around in your room or mentioned on one of your personal online profiles. So far, I found two decent-seeming books that address these themes directly: Forbidden Relatives: The American Myth of Cousin Marriage by Martin Ottenheimer and Cousins: A Unique and Powerful Bond by Johanna Garfield. I’m in the process of reading these two myself to learn more so I can’t say much about their contents as a review yet, but the topics are both obvious upon first glance. If you comment on either of them very generally, and place them in view of your cousin, you might be able to communicate your thoughts on the subjects and learn his thoughts without having to admit your feelings towards him specifically. You can do the same with a print-out of an article or by sharing an article on an online profile (Facebook, Tumblr, etc) – somewhere he can see it. Maybe even tag him on it.
You can say that you’re doing some research about different kinds of relationships or kinship in different cultures and you found these books or articles and they looked interesting. Then you can ask him what he thinks about these topics. You can ask it in a neutral, discussion-like tone, and if he asks you if you are trying to tell him something or asks if you are hitting on him, just act like you don’t know what he’s talking about and that you are just asking a general question, for a writing project or for school or for your own interest. Make your intentions seem as disinterested as possible. If he still acts suspicious and reserved, just stick with the generic actions of spending more time with him and seeing if he tells you his feelings on his own. No harm done.
You can also try talking about controversial subjects in general one day (cross dressing, plastic surgery, furries? .. lol) and ask what his opinions are one by one, then switch to relationship types (long-distance, relationships with large age gaps, gay relationships, interracial relationships, polyamorous, etc). Mention random interesting statistics. Somewhere in there throw in cousin marriage and some statistics on cousin-cousin reproduction, and see what he says. Make it fun. Try to hint at your own opinions without saying too much. Try to get him to express his opinions first. Don’t linger too long on that one point, and continue your conversation as though it’s all just for amusement. Maybe somewhere along the way you’ll find out what you need to know and if you and your cousin are on the same page. 🙂
Good luck! And keep us posted on your progress if you want!
Quotes from the book “Cousins: A Unique and Powerful Bond”
So I began reading this book, as part of my own research, and wanted to share excerpts from it for the blog. 🙂 The book is called, Cousins: A Unique and Powerful Bond, by Johanna Garfield – Published in 2000. I will type up more relevant sections as I come across them (especially the stuff about cousin marriage later on). But here are some bits from the Introduction:
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‘They’re all been explored, analyzed, chronicled: mothers and sons, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, fathers and daughters, brothers and sisters. But the cousin relationship has, up to now, received surprisingly little attention. Why? Described by one friend as “magical siblings,” the relationship can vary from genuine friendship to utter indifference, from love to hate, can have sexual overtones, and can reverberate throughout the memories of childhood and family with much of the same emotional intensity as that reserved for genuine siblings.’ -page xv, Introduction.
’[…] I was able to talk with Anna Quindlen, formerly author of the much admired New York Times column, “Life in the Thirties,” and later a regular on the Op-Ed page, about many aspects of her cousin relationships. Like me and like the Kennedys, she’d grown up surrounded by an enormous group of cousins, with many of whom she remains extremely close to this day. Referring to the issue of cousins’ importance in her life, she said, “I think it’s a real interesting issue, because about half the people I know I don’t even have to discuss this with, because it’s so much a part of their lives, too. The other half are people who are totally perplexed by it. Like, each of their parents had maybe one sibling, and they lived in Arizona or somewhere else far away. And they just don’t understand.”’
She also told me that she based a number of the characters in her novel Object Lessons on her cousins, and that it includes a number of cousin relationships.’ –page xxi-xxii, Introduction.
‘I began to remember other books I’d read – books besides Eight Cousins [by Louisa May Alcott] – in which cousin relationships were important. The close friendship between the two male cousins in Laurie Colwin’s novel, Happy All the Time, for instance, or the tragic love between cousins Simon and Mariella in Rosamond Lehmann’s Dusty Answer, a novel I found deeply moving as an adolescent.’ –page xxi-xxii, Introduction.
‘In two more recent novels, Mary Gordon’s The Other Side and Ursula Perrin’s The Looking-Glass Lover, cousin relationships are central to the stories. Jane Austen’s books are full of cousinly romances and cousinly friendships, and she herself received a marriage proposal from a cousin.’ -page xxi-xxii, Introduction.
rainbowamory 