Tag: relationships

Why I Support Cousin Love

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

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-Because Love has many offshoots. Pretending that some don’t exist is like pretending that an ‘illegitimate’ child is somehow less connected to their parent, and that only the ones made under socially acceptable conditions are their true children. ‘illegitimate’ kids may have been marginalized throughout history, but outside of social stigma, they’d be equal in every way to the children made under ‘socially acceptable’ circumstances.

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-Stigma is a hurtful construct. Love is inspiring and natural.  

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-Because when you encourage people to forsake their #1 for a second best, no one ends up happy.  And someone’s #1 could be their cousin.

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-Because I’ve known what it’s like to have people try to push socially constructed identities onto me, while disregarding the real me, intentionally or otherwise. I want to help validate other people’s identities so they never have to experience the kind of self-denial that would keep them from realizing who they really are and what they really want.

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-Because Love is Love. And if you really mean that phrase, you should be able to extend that understanding to other sexual minorities. Otherwise what you’re really saying is “My Love is Love. Your Love is Not.” How many homophobes have said that of your gay relationship? How many racists have implied that of your interracial relationship? Why would you do that to someone else? The lack of a specific word for discrimination against cousin couples doesn’t make your prejudice any less discriminatory.

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-It doesn’t happen to everyone but when it does it’s usually because it’s meant to be.

I will add more to this post now and then.

Added Later (after the first 20 ‘notes’):

-There are a lot of myths around the love between cousin couples. If you take the time to investigate those myths you’d see them for what they really are – myths! If you believe that someone can only fall for their cousin due to manipulation, you are disrespecting that person’s voice, their ability to speak and choose for themselves. YOU are the one inadvertently manipulating them, telling them how they should feel, which of their feelings are their own and which are not.

웃 T h e . S t i g m a . A r o u n d . O n l i n e . D a t i n g 웃

Published on by rainbowamoryLeave a comment

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I think many people these days are actually more open to the idea of online dating. But I wanted to share my thoughts anyway because I think there still are some negative attitudes surrounding this method of finding love that don’t really have much reason to back them.

I’m sure you’ve encountered it at one point or other, but there’s this view some seem to hold that online dating is something people turn to when they’ve run out of options in the “real world” or when they are in the older age range with fewer singles available to date. A lot of the time those who criticize are people who have been lucky enough to find their partners without having had to look far. To them, looking for love on the Internet may seem impersonal and strange.

Online dating doesn’t always translate to Long-distance relationship. That’s a whole other kind of experience. What I’m referring to here is finding people online that live close to your area, then asking them out and meeting in real life to begin a relationship shortly afterwards.

There are many reasons why a person would not only use this method, but would prefer it over more traditional ones, including many young people.

Here are some reasons why I believe people may look online for love:

  • Social Anxiety: Some people just don’t have an abundance of social skills that would allow them to flirt freely with potential partners face-to-face in their day to day lives. If they struggle with social anxiety, they would be experiencing a difficult enough time just making friends.Getting out of their shell to look for something more than friendship may be an agonizing process. Looking online would allow them to communicate with far less anxiety and thus be better prepared for the eventual face-to-face meeting. If you’re looking into online dating for this reason, chances are you’ll find others like yourself with whom you’d feel more comfortable interacting, since they too might know what it feels like to be shy.
  • No one around is compatible with you:
  • A person may join a dating site because they cannot find someone in their immediate surroundings that they feel they are compatible with. This person may have little-to-no social anxiety issues. If they don’t, chances are they’ve already tried and possibly exhausted the traditional methods of looking for love (e.g. meeting at an event and giving someone a number, going on blind dates, getting to know someone through mutual friends, etc).
  • These people may be criticized for turning to online dating because they don’t seem like the ‘type’ of person typically associated with online dating. You might’ve had that one friend who is attractive and sociable with many admirers buzzing around them, and been shocked to hear that not only were they still single, but that they had joined an online dating site… If social skills come easy to them, people might wonder what might be wrong with them (do they think no one is good enough for them? Do they have other personality issues that make them undesirable to their existing admirers?) Why else would a ‘social butterfly’ need to turn to cyberspace to find someone?
  • One possibility, however, could be that they’ve tried other avenues already, and that the ‘old fashioned’ ways just haven’t worked out for them… Usually because the people they’ve met in “real life” weren’t right for them.
  • Many people would agree that compatibility is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. So if you can’t find it with the people around you, what’s wrong with looking online?
  • No time for looking around: If you’ve got an inflexible and loaded work schedule, you probably wouldn’t have spare time to attend events or go to clubs or participate in any other social event that is likely to find you a catch. In this scenario too, online dating would make a great alternative – both convenient and far less stressful. You could always go online for short spurts of time at the end of a long work day, and continue your search without additional strain on your energy. It would take less time to date the right person once you find them than it might to physically go out looking for them in a chance encounter.

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  • You’re Gay! (or Trans or Bi):
  • This is not the least of the reasons why some would turn to online dating, especially young people. It can be a pain to always wonder who’s straight and who’s gay if you’re looking for a same-sex partner, or who would accept your Trans or genderqueer identity. Although Pride Parade time would offer its own abundance of opportunities, for the rest of the year, online dating sites could provide a much easier method of discovering a match without having to investigate who’s gay or lesbian or bi or trans, because it’ll be right there on their profiles.
    • And for you, I recommend: Plenty of Fish, now called http://www.pof.com/  <-this is a free and great site, especially for LGBTQ-identified people! For some reason, there’s a lot of them on there… If it’s still the way it was 3 years ago when I first came across it, it would be a good start for anyone who wants to try finding a date online. You should be able to indicate your sexual orientation on your profile, as well as what kind of relationship you’re looking for (serious, casual, long-term, monogamous, etc). This site is also more active than many others and the profiles on it are more up-to-date.
    • Also check out this article that gives a brief overview of The Best Online Dating Websites for Gay Men. Some of the sites require paid memberships to use, but others are either free or offer a free account with limits.
  • You have unusual or very specific sexual preferences: And by unusual, I just mean…different. e.g. You may want to look for people that are into bdsm, or interracial relationships, or someone sharing an interest in a kind of lifestyle that you don’t feel comfortable talking about with just anyone. An online platform would allow you to be open about it, without the awkwardness of having to tell everyone you know what you’re into.

These are just a few among many reasons people may choose to use online dating sites. Depending on your circumstances and preferences, Online Dating can be a more practical and effective method of finding love than traditional ones.

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QUOTES From Other Sources

“The way a dating site works ensures [you] get access to the kind of information that probably wouldn’t be discussed on a first date – like whether they want a family, their religion and so on […]” (Quote From This Article)

“The growing number of marriages and long-term relationships formed as a result of single people using online dating sites is a modern day phenomena.” (Quote From This Article)

“One interviewee felt online dating sites helped him to break out of close-knit social or sexual circles to find new people. Others from smaller urban centres felt online sites helped them to find inroads into the gay community in a larger city that might otherwise seem daunting.” (Quote From Gay Men’s Health Article)

“No matter what dating website or service you try, you should always exercise caution. Don’t give out personal details until you know the other person. If and when you arrange to meet an online match, pick a busy, public place.” (Quote From Article: Why Do People Use Internet Dating?)

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And finally, it’s ALL Real Life! The Internet just offers an extra set of options you may not have in your immediate surroundings. People that never would’ve met the usual way could end up meeting online.

I’m definitely a believer in the usefulness of online dating since I met my girlfriend of 3 years through plentyoffish.com. I am an extremely picky person, and if I hadn’t tried online dating and found this specific girl, I’m sure I’d still be single right now… And I know an interracial, straight couple who also met on that same site around same time as me and my partner (they’re still together, and very much in love).

I think a lot of the stigma around online dating also comes from a general mistrust of the Internet. If you don’t personally want to use it, that’s one thing. But please don’t judge those who do. As I’ve outlined above, they have their reasons.

Online dating is not an alternative to ‘reality’. It works like a bridge to extend the boundaries of your reality. In the end, any date you find online is still very much a person – not a bunch of pixels on a screen or an imaginary lover.

If you’re looking to try out an online dating site, this article might me of some use to you:

Making Online Dating More Effective With Good Communication.

 

A fundamental premise of ethical relationships is that all relationships are consensual. That means people are free to enter relationships without coercion, and free to end relationships that are not meeting their needs. An ethical relationship is one where nobody feels compelled to stay against their will.

More Than Two – Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert (via danielscardoso)

Want to Share Your Stories?

Published on by rainbowamory1 Comment
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This was something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile.

I thought that adding some personal stories would make this blog more meaningful and informative for those that come across it, including people in similar situations. This is your chance to have your say on this blog. So, my question is: Do you have a story you would like to share, about your experience with LGBTQ relationships or cousin/cousin relationships?

The terms: You can submit it to me as anonymous to protect your identities. I will only post with your permission. Anytime after it’s been posted, if you feel anxious about the information and change your mind, all you need to do is ask and I will remove it. Anytime once it’s been posted, if you want to add anything or take out certain details you feel uncomfortable sharing, you can make the edit and I will re-post your story with the edits. I will post up one at a time in a separate blog url and link to it here on the main blog (that way all the stories will be in one place rather than mixed up with all the other posts here). Let’s say 1-5 pages is the limit. There is no set deadline – you can submit whenever you want.

I’m going to leave this submissions call up forever. ^_^

As a guide, I came up with some areas you could touch upon:

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Possible topics to cover: (These are just prompts. You can ignore them altogether and just write your story your own way and send it. That’s ok too.)

 

ღ What is your sexual orientation and gender identity?

*What kind of relationship are you currently in? Or seeking? (gay? straight (trans)? cousin/cousin?)

*How did you meet your partner or crush? (e.g. online, at an event, introduced by friends, grew up together, etc)

*What stage of your relationship are you in? (just starting out? been dating for awhile? engaged? married? haven’t asked them out yet?)

*How do you feel about your relationship? (do you think it’s perfect, difficult, happy, a mix?)

ღ Do you currently have or do you plan on having children with your partner? (biological or by adoption)

*Is there anyone else like you who’s relationship you admire, that reminds you of your own? (e.g. a historical, fictional, celebrity, or real life couple you know of that has/had the same kind of relationship as you) What about it reminds you of your relationship?

*Do your friends and family know about your situation or your crush? How do they feel about it?

*Has anyone ever criticized you based on your personal life or your sexual/romantic feelings? How did you or your partner handle it?

*What would you tell those going through similar struggles as you in their love lives?

ღ How would you ‘explain’ your love to those that don’t understand it? Or are unfamiliar with how it works.

You can talk about experiences of discrimination, people accepting or rejecting you, self-discovery, coming out, future plans, allies, attitude towards life and love, sex – and whatever else you feel is relevant.

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Contact: You can contact me 2 ways.

By e-mail: muffinsandblades@hotmail.com (if you don’t have a Tumblr account)

Or by sending me a message  on Tumblr. Whatever option works for you.

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If you decide to participate, I look forward to hearing from you! 🙂  ♡!